Coffee With Ted
Believe what you want but I met a zombie, his name was Ted and he wasn’t interested in devouring my flesh he just wanted to bum a smoke and get a cup of coffee. In my opinion, this was not too much to ask and I did have an extra cigarette so I gave it to him. Ted is dead. Or rather, Ted is undead so smoking is not going to have an adverse affect on his health. I suppose the worst that could happen is that smoking could bring him back to life? And popular culture has not exactly painted a pretty picture of the undead. His life must be rough. People see that he is a zombie and I’m pretty certain that they judge him before they get a chance to know him. I’ll be the first to admit that he was not what I thought a zombie would be like. He didn’t smell, there was no rotting flesh or gaping wounds visible. No howling or moaning and most definitely there was no attempt to eat me. For a zombie, Ted was well spoken and somewhat intelligent. Given the fact that he had risen from the grave several decades ago and had not really been an active part of society since then, he was not entirely familar with modern technology. Without a job or a home he had no experience with using a cell phone or computer. He had seen these items and had a vague idea as to what they were and how they are used as far as personal experience, he had none. Coffee and cigarettes are pretty ageless. Maybe ageless is not the right word but they transcend generations and are vices that most people are familiar with. Regardless, it was a good combination and I hardly noticed that I was drinking and smoking with someone who was no longer alive, at least not in the way most of us consider what being alive is. I’m rambling and I do apologize but consider what I had experienced. One minute I’m riding to work, same as any other day and the next thing you know I am drinking coffee with a zombie named Ted.
Encountering The Undead
I could tell you that just before sunrise last week as I was riding my bike to work that I heard a rumbling in the bushes as I rode down a rather dark and deserted stretch of road. I could tell you that all it was was a bird or stray dog. And that would be a likely explanation. Heck, we have a lot of homeless people in the area so it could have been one of them. Actually it was one of them. If by them you mean a member of the undead. Yes, its true. I had the briefest encounter with a zombie and let me tell you that I am glad to have experienced it.
We spend our entire lives fearing the unknown or the unfamiliar and then when we finally face those fears we realize that it was not as bad as we had previously expected. In my case, this was also true. I was more startled by the sound of the rustling bushes than I was when I glanced over and saw an actual zombie shuffle out of the darkness.
My first thought was that I was a goner for sure. But then I realized that this zombie was slow moving and not entirely aware of my presence. It was not like in the movies where either the undead move at incredible speed and pounce on you nor was it a case of encountering a rotting corpse moaning and reaching out for me. This creature was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and with the exception of being filthy from laying out in the dirt and brush, it was remarkably well preserved. I mean, it was pretty dark but I could still tell that the body was intact and there was no visible signs of rotting flesh. The eyes were a little hollow but what can you expect. Think of how you would look if one day you just rose from the dead. Anyhow, I remember that my first instinct was to peddle away to safety but me being the type of person who often makes poor judgement calls decided to circle around to get a better look at this thing. After all, it could have been a person in need of assistance.
So when I came back upon the zombie it was just standing there, half on the sidewalk and half in the bushes. It was slowly looking around but not making any obvious threatening gestures. I stopped about ten feet away and stared at it. At first it made no motions towards me which I took as a positive sign. Then it stopped, turned its head and looked directly at me. Yes, I was scared but also fascinated. Again, this is not something you experience every day and even though I always knew that zombies were real, I have to admit that I was starting to have my doubts. So there I was, toe to toe with the undead, in a manner of speaking but as I already told you I was really about ten feet away. But in zombie encounter distances, ten feet is the same as being toe to toe with a living human. I regretted not having a way to document this encounter. All I had was the camera on my cell phone and it was too dark for me to get a good picture. Oh well, such is life. I knew that people would believe my story so I wasn’t too terribly concerned over my lack of physical evidence.
Well, we kind of stood there staring at each other for a moment and I realized that even though the zombie knew I was there he still made no effort to attack or even come closer to my position. I myself was quite content to stay where I was. Then after a few more moment I saw the zombie move its lifeless hand up towards its mouth. It was a deliberate gesture but I wasn’t sure what it meant. Again, he moved his hand from his side up towards its mouth. And once again I just stood there and watched. Was he indicating that he wanted to eat me? If that was the case then why was the zombie not moving towards me? What happened next I will never forgot for the remainder of my days on earth. The zombie made one final gesture of moving his hand up towards its mouth and then it turned, placed its hands on its hips and spoke. “Dude, can I bum a smoke off you?” I nearly shit my pants. All along I was like the rest of you, thinking that zombies were flesh eating ghouls when in fact all they really desire is coffee and cigarettes.
The Rise of The Undead
WELLINGTON, New Zealand – Three more New Zealanders recently returned from Mexico were suspected of having swine flu but local doctors could not explain why, after having died from the virus, the trio mysteriously reanimated and began attacking the hospital staff. Spain announced the first confirmed case of the deadly virus in Europe on Monday, as countries rushed to screen travelers for fevers and other symptoms.
World Health Organization spokesman Peter Cordingley said the new virus was spreading quickly in Mexico and the southern United States, raising fears of a global pandemic. Mr. Cordingley was speaking off the record of course as he has not been authorized to discuss anything related to a possible zombie outbreak.
No Time For Zombies
Preliminary tests of samples taken from sick individuals’ noses and throats confirmed that at least eight had a non-human strain of influenza type A, indicating probable cases of swine flu. Very interesting.
Far be it from me to be a conspiracy theorist, and I’m not, but certain recent events are very odd to me. First we had a case of primates breaking free from a suburban research facility and now we are looking at a possible flu pandemic. Both of these events have been newsworthy, after all they first came to my attention by reading the local newspaper. But what I haven’t read about or seen on TV or even come across on the internet are the reports of the dead rising. That is correct, the dead rising from the grave. Zombies.
I would assume that news of the recently deceased rising up and preying on the living would cause quite a bit of chatter amongst the general public but as I stated before, I have not seen one piece of legitimate news coverage on this topic. You’ve seen all manner of zombies portrayed on the big screen, now ask yourself what would happen if you saw one in real life. Assuming that you survived the encounter I would have to believe that you’d tell someone about it. A zombie encounter is not something that most people would keep to themselves. Even if you just told a friend or loved one, people talk. Eventually the story would get out and the rest of us would hear about it also. But no, not a single word on anything zombie related has made it into the mainstream media.
So its just after sunset and you are walking home from New Seasons, walking along the same route you have taken for years. And for years nothing odd or startling (yes, that is how you spell startling) has ever occured. You have come across the random homeless person laying in the weeds or rowdy teen but nothing out of the ordinary. But on this occasion as you pass by some high weeds a rotting hand reaches out and grabs you. You scream, look down and see, a zombie! Luckily this thing is pretty rotten so it takes little effort to break away and you manage to run home and lock the doors. So now what? You just brush it off and go about your business like nothing happened? Give me a break. You’d call the police, text your friends and tell everyone you know what had happened.
So why is it that I have not found any reports of zombie attacks? Zombies are out there. You know it and I know it. Just because I haven’t seen one doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I’ve never seen a blue whale but they are real and nobody doubts their existence. It’s not like I am eager to have an encounter with a zombie, I am not a thrill seeker, but I hate having the truth kept from me.
I’m left to ask myself just what is it going to take before the media and the public start to acknowledge that the dead are walking amongst us. It may not be a widespread problem at the moment but things like this have a habit of getting out of control real quick and I for one do not need to deal with a major zombie outbreak. I already have too much stress in my life as it is.
